What To Say and Not To Say to a Grieving Parent

As nine years approaches in a few weeks when the gift that God gave us for nine months in my womb was quickly taken away by God, I wanted to write about the grief we have experienced and offer help to anyone who has been through a similar situation or if you know someone that has endured this, then maybe you can know a little better how to sympathize with them.  Again, I am speaking from my experience and everyone is different, but the common thing with the death of a loved one is grief.  For us, it was our son Kyler who never took a breath on this earth outside the womb.

Never tell a grieving parent or sibling, "At least you didn't get to know him/her."  Every parent that has known the joy of a pregnancy for 9 months gets to know their child.  There is already a special bond.  The things that we didn't get to enjoy with Kyler is what hurt the most.  Never hearing his cry, never feeding him, never seeing his first crawl or walk, wondering what he would look like as the days, months and years go on, etc.  Also, a mother's milk still comes in whether her arms are empty or full.  Having aching breasts filled with milk with no baby was horrible.  Please be gentle and compassionate.

Never tell a grieving parent or sibling, "God took your baby to save him/her from something tragic or from a terminal illness in the future."  That is of no comfort.  I believe God already has our days numbered as the Bible says in Psalm 139.  God knew Kyler would only live inside my womb until he was fully grown, all 6lbs. and 14ounces. 

So what can we say and/or do when someone we know is grieving?

Be there for your friend.  We are very thankful for my family and friends who brought us meals, sent us cards, prayed for us and with us, encouraged us with Scripture, and just by mentioning Kyler.  It's important to not ignore mentioning their baby.  Parents will never forget their child so by remembering their child in conversation is good for the parents.  For us, we have always wanted to talk about Kyler.  God has and continues to use him in mighty ways for the Kingdom.  Kyler's life and death were not in vain.

Listen to your friend.  Let your friend talk about what he or she is feeling.  Again, you can pray with your friend.  Take their grief and sorrow to the Lord.  Just saying the words "I love you and am praying for you" goes a long way.  Don't expect them to jump right back into how things were.  They have a new normal now.  Life is different now.  Be patient as you walk this journey with them.  Also, just don't ask the casual "How are you doing?"  A great friend of mine would say to me, "So really, how are you doing?"  

Talk about the hope of heaven, while still being sensitive to the fact that they want their child here with them.  We know that our loss was Kyler's gain.  He is safe in the arms of Jesus forever.  We still and will always miss him.  We are so grateful for the hope we have in heaven and the new earth someday.  The sting of death is gone because of the resurrection of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  The Gospel is what has kept Brad and me going on.  Jesus is our Sustainer.  His Word has been our comfort.  And we are grateful for those God has used to continue pointing us to Christ and encouraging us.