Waiting A Gift?

God has made waiting a big part in my and my family's lives.  We waited almost five years for Kylie Hope, now we are waiting for Braden Matthew.  When our grief was so fresh and raw, we waited for our thorn to be removed, later learning what a blessing that thorn is (and it will always be here on earth).  As Paul said, "When we are weak, He is made strong."  In our weakness, we depend on our Lord and learn to trust Him more.  He is strong, we are not.

I absolutely love the book of Psalms.  Psalm 27 talks about waiting on the Lord, to be strong and take heart, and wait on Him.  That has not always been easy, but as I have learned with the big things to be patient with, how easier it is with the smaller things to be patient with.  Our waiting has a purpose for God's perfect plan. 

Just think, there will be no more waiting in heaven and on the new earth!!  So let's stay focused on what's important...spiritual matters.  Jesus is worth all the waiting and He is our goal!!

Here's a quote from Paul David Tripp:
Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose.  It's part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life.  Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan.  Waiting is an essential part of the plan.

So, yes, I believe waiting is a gift. 

Without Christ, Who or What Do People Turn To?

Pain and suffering will touch each of us while living in this sinful world.  Ten years ago at this moment Brad and I were expecting an addition to our family in just five months, which we found out a month later in November we were having another son.  We made plans, had dreams of seeing our two sons playing together, had the nursery ready, were prepared, felt every kick from Kyler as he grew healthy in my womb, had just had an ultrasound just three days prior to his birth and he was perfect and healthy.  The day I went into labor we were anxious and excited as we drove to the hospital.  Only God knew what was about to happen...in those first few months, we experienced confusion and devastation, but we knew Jesus was with us.  Without Him, there's no telling what we might have turned to in our affliction.  He had given me Psalm 18 about how He is our a Rock, our Fortress and our Deliverer.  To think that God knew before He formed me in my mom's womb that on March 22, 2004 I was going to experience something painful, to bury my son.  God sees the big picture though.  I can now picture him saying,

"See, I am making something beautiful in you which you won't see or understand for a while.  I want you to delight in Me, to savor Me, to be satisfied in Me, to know that I am your Shepherd, I will never leave you or forsake you, you are Mine, I am not doing this to punish you, I love you, I want the works of Me to be displayed in your life, come to Me and I will fill you up, I am your Living Water, I will comfort you, I will bottle up your tears,  I am crying with you, I want you to fellowship with Me in my sufferings, to know Me more intimately,  I am going to conform you to be more like Me, I am blessing you and will continue to bless you, I want My name to be great through you, nothing is too hard for Me, I will strengthen you, I am your Healer, your tears are seeds that will grow into a harvest of joy because of the good I can bring out of pain, I have a purpose in your pain, though your pain runs deep I am deeper still, I am your hope, keep trusting me, keep enduring, keep persevering...someday I will make all things new!"

A Thankful Heart

Yesterday our daughter Kylie had her 7th surgery, a nose revision and a hernia repair.  First and foremost we praise our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for smooth surgeries, for giving her doctors and nurses wisdom and skills that they need, and for the prayers of many people praying specific prayers for Kylie and her family.  This was the first time that Kylie was not terrified in the pre-op room.  Many people were praying that she would not be scared.  We were amazed at how well she did.  We were in there for 2.5 hours because one of her surgeons was still in another surgery.  Kylie was able to draw beautiful pictures on her sheets while nurse Pete drew, and even her mommy and daddy. It was much fun.  Not a surprise to those who know Kylie well that she had the nurses and doctors laughing.  This was also the first time that they didn't have to give her "happy juice" to leave pre-op without us.  In the past she has needed that because the separation was too hard for her.  This time she held a nurse's hand to WALK to the operating room.  I get teared up typing this as I think about it, but yesterday I had so much peace and was able to leave that room without tears (maybe I was dried up from all the tears I shed at 4:00 that morning).  Seriously, I had that peace that only comes from Christ.  Vanderbilt is a wonderful hospital and we are so thankful for the terrific doctors and nurses.  They make you feel as if we are the only ones there. 

Currently, Karsten and Kylie are sitting in my bed making Buzz Lightyear paper airplanes.  Karsten bought her two gifts from the gift shop during her surgery.  I've never seen anyone love his sister as much as Karsten does.  I truly believe that is a gift from God that He has used in Karsten through his pain.  Even though he was 2 years old when his brother went to heaven, it still affects Karsten today.  He has a brother, he's just not here with us.  Through his loss, God has given Karsten a thankful heart, not taking his sister for granted.  We know that things don't always go the way we have planned.  I think, too, that's why it's even harder for us when Kylie has surgeries.  God uses our prayers, but sometimes they may not be answered the way we had prayed for. 

God is sovereign in our joys and sorrows.  We celebrate these wonderful times.  Thank you all for your prayers and we ask that you continue to pray for Kylie as she is recovering.  She still has many surgeries in her future if the Lord allows.  May our boast continue to be in our Healer, Redeemer, Creator, and Savior Lord Jesus. 

I Will Go to Him (Kyler)

As I was reading part of the life of King David this morning, I recalled this particular passage read at my son Kyler's funeral.  After David and Bathsheba's infant son had died, David said in 2 Samuel 13:23, "...Can I bring him back again?  I will go to him, but he will not return to me."  That verse alone shows how we can know for sure that babies go straight to heaven when they die.

My blog has always been about Jesus, the death of Kyler, adoption, and my family.  This has been God's story written for my life.  Does my grief look different than it did nine years ago?  Absolutely, praise God!  But my family and I will always miss him.  No matter how many more children God adds to our family, our family will never be complete until we are all together on the new earth.

God says to not be surprised at the suffering we are going through.  It will happen to each of us.  People are hurting all around us.  But many times, people try to avoid the ones who are hurting or try to act like nothing happened.  We need to show compassion to the hurting, weeping with those who weep.  Just love on them.  We don't have to give them a bunch of Bible verses.  Just be there for the hurting, listening, and letting them know you care.

Maybe today you can send a card to someone or call, text, visit that person.  This life is hard.  Encourage or comfort someone today with the comfort you have received in Christ.

You have made known to me the path of life, you will find me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand...And I--in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness (Psalm 16:11, 17:15).

20 Years Later...Thankful for my New Life

Next week will be 20 years that I graduated from East Ridge High School.  Those years have gone by too quickly.  With the many I have reconnected with on Facebook, I am grateful for that.  You knew the old me and you have seen glimpses of the new me through Facebook.  Then there are the friends I have made within the last 15 years.  So what's the difference?

In 1998, at the age of 22, I became a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ.  I grew up going to church and believing in God, but I thought when I died I would go to heaven because I was a good person.  I knew I wasn't perfect, but I tried to be good and thought that hell was only for the bad people.

Throughout my teenage years I had a penpal who lived in another state.  He was a Christian and was constantly writing to me about Jesus and having a new life through Him.  We would write to each other for several years until this new thing called email was invented.  When I was 17 my friend Paige was killed in a car accident.  I knew she loved Jesus so when she died, I had many questions. A friend at school knew I was struggling so he gave me his student Bible, which I would pick up to read from time to time.

When I was 19 I met Brad who professed to be a Christian.  He knew a lot about the Bible, but his life looked no different from mine.  It was really confusing.  He had told me he prayed a prayer when he was 5 so he was saved.  I told him I prayed a prayer at VBS when I was about 7 so I thought I was saved.  Needless to say we got married thinking we were both Christians.

I was 21 when I married and we started going to church regularly.  I kept hearing the Gospel and that it's only through Jesus we have forgiveness of sins and eternal life.  I would remember all the letters my friend Mark would write to me.  One day I was alone at my apartment and I cried out to God.  It was that day my life changed forever.  I had learned that there is no one good as Romans 3 says.  I am only accepted by God because of what Jesus did for me.  Jesus died for my sins, taking the wrath I deserve, dying a death I deserve.  And Jesus conquered death, sin and Satan by rising again.  I am a new person.  When God looks at me, He sees the righteousness of Christ.  Also, a year later, Brad trusted in Christ and it was amazing seeing each other change.

I am forever grateful for the seeds that were planted in my life from faithful and obedient Christians through prayer and through proclaiming the Word of God.  That is what God asks of His children.  God alone changes hearts and lives.  I need His strength daily.  Just after 6 years of becoming a Christian, a piece of my heart was ripped out when my son Kyler was taken away.  If my foundation had not been on Christ alone, I am pretty sure Brad and I would not have stayed married.  A death of a child adds so much stress to a marriage.  I am thankful that Brad and I have grown closer to our Savior and to each other these last 9 years.  

My prayer is that each of you will come to Christ if you haven't yet.  This world will pass away someday.  I hope to see each of you for all eternity with Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith.

Giving Thanks

God has taught me over the years about giving thanks in all circumstances, not for them, but in them.  My perspective on life is different than it used to be.

Thank You God for the 9 months Kyler lived in my womb.  Thank You for allowing me to be his mommy.  Thank You for how beautiful You made him.  Thank You for the wonderful memories I have with Kyler in my womb:  singing to him, reading God's Word to him, praying for him, his daddy praying over him and me, Karsten at 2 years old touching my belly while talking to his little brother, getting Kyler's nursery room ready...

Thank You God for Your unchanging grace.  In a moment our lives forever changed.  But You did not.  You were the same holy and loving God when Kyler was alive as You were the day You took him from us.  Thank You for holding up Brad while I was still under anesthesia and he witnessed nurses and doctors trying to revive our baby boy.  Thank You for the memories we have with Kyler after he was born.  Even though his soul was already with You, we are blessed to have held him, kissed his face, talked to him, counted his fingers and toes, kissed and felt his hair.  Thank You God for the labor and delivery nurses who took many pictures of him and us. 

Thank You for how You used our oldest son Karsten to brighten our dark days.  Thank You while in the hospital, Karsten would sing, "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...I have the love of Jesus in my heart..."  Then Brad and I would join in and sing.  We know that was the power of Christ in us.  Thank You God that You healed my sick body and I could be able to know You in a more intimate way through my suffering.  Thank You for giving Brad and me a passion for You, delighting in You and Your Word, teaching us, molding us, and that we look at what is unseen which is eternal through the lens of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  This broken life is momentary.

Thank You God for leading us through the journey of adoption of our sweet daughter Kylie Hope.  Thank You how You use her and how she is named after her other older brother Kyler.  Thank You that adoption is from you, it's not about being born of blood, but of God.  We praise You and thank You for Your mercies that are new everyday. 

Thank You most of all for Jesus dying on the cross so that You would be glorified.  Thank You that my very weakness allows the resurrection power of Christ to strengthen me.  And I thank You for Your presence and for the good You accomplish through the pain.

What To Say and Not To Say to a Grieving Parent

As nine years approaches in a few weeks when the gift that God gave us for nine months in my womb was quickly taken away by God, I wanted to write about the grief we have experienced and offer help to anyone who has been through a similar situation or if you know someone that has endured this, then maybe you can know a little better how to sympathize with them.  Again, I am speaking from my experience and everyone is different, but the common thing with the death of a loved one is grief.  For us, it was our son Kyler who never took a breath on this earth outside the womb.

Never tell a grieving parent or sibling, "At least you didn't get to know him/her."  Every parent that has known the joy of a pregnancy for 9 months gets to know their child.  There is already a special bond.  The things that we didn't get to enjoy with Kyler is what hurt the most.  Never hearing his cry, never feeding him, never seeing his first crawl or walk, wondering what he would look like as the days, months and years go on, etc.  Also, a mother's milk still comes in whether her arms are empty or full.  Having aching breasts filled with milk with no baby was horrible.  Please be gentle and compassionate.

Never tell a grieving parent or sibling, "God took your baby to save him/her from something tragic or from a terminal illness in the future."  That is of no comfort.  I believe God already has our days numbered as the Bible says in Psalm 139.  God knew Kyler would only live inside my womb until he was fully grown, all 6lbs. and 14ounces. 

So what can we say and/or do when someone we know is grieving?

Be there for your friend.  We are very thankful for my family and friends who brought us meals, sent us cards, prayed for us and with us, encouraged us with Scripture, and just by mentioning Kyler.  It's important to not ignore mentioning their baby.  Parents will never forget their child so by remembering their child in conversation is good for the parents.  For us, we have always wanted to talk about Kyler.  God has and continues to use him in mighty ways for the Kingdom.  Kyler's life and death were not in vain.

Listen to your friend.  Let your friend talk about what he or she is feeling.  Again, you can pray with your friend.  Take their grief and sorrow to the Lord.  Just saying the words "I love you and am praying for you" goes a long way.  Don't expect them to jump right back into how things were.  They have a new normal now.  Life is different now.  Be patient as you walk this journey with them.  Also, just don't ask the casual "How are you doing?"  A great friend of mine would say to me, "So really, how are you doing?"  

Talk about the hope of heaven, while still being sensitive to the fact that they want their child here with them.  We know that our loss was Kyler's gain.  He is safe in the arms of Jesus forever.  We still and will always miss him.  We are so grateful for the hope we have in heaven and the new earth someday.  The sting of death is gone because of the resurrection of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  The Gospel is what has kept Brad and me going on.  Jesus is our Sustainer.  His Word has been our comfort.  And we are grateful for those God has used to continue pointing us to Christ and encouraging us. 

It's Okay to Not Understand the Whys

Most people, including myself, have wondered why God allows certain things to happen.  We want an answer immediately and we question God.  I have learned a lot about trusting in God the past nearly nine years.  Romans 11:33 (NASB) says, "Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!"  That verse has stuck with me the last several years and has helped me along this journey.  Did God take Kyler so we would later have our daughter Kylie?  I don't know.  But I do know that was part of God's plan.  I have even wondered why couldn't we still have Kyler and still would've chosen adopting our daughter.  I can ask so many 'why questions' and drive myself crazy.  It doesn't help.  God has taught me over these years about trusting Him.  I don't have to understand His ways, in fact I can't understand them.  That verse says that we cannot fathom God's plans and purposes.  Job asked God many questions.  And he, too, did not get any answers. 

I have learned that what God wants is for me to delight in Him and to know Him more.  In fact, He taught me that just a few days after Kyler went to heaven.  I was sitting in the hospital and began reading Psalm 37.  Verse 4 reads, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  But at the time, I didn't realize that is what He was teaching me.  It's been a progression over the years.  Knowing Jesus Christ in a more intimate way, rejoicing in Him, desiring Him, delighting in Him, trusting Him, hiding His Word in my heart, preaching the gospel to myself, proclaiming Jesus, speaking Jesus to others.  God treasures me because of who I am in Christ.  He sees the righteousness of Christ in me.  He wants me to have a passion for Him and the gospel.  Afterall, what God desires most is the glory of His name!